It’s funny how paying close attention to time can pull you away from enjoying it. We are like time, constantly changing. We owe it to ourselves to be still once in a while. Be still right now. What is happening around you? Are you a part of it?
You know, it’s really not fair how we can not voluntarily stop thinking about something. Trying to stop thinking about it is still recognizing it, therefore it is not stopping. Pure distraction is hard to come across when it is what you are trying to find. Then, when I have been distracted for quite a while and have forgotten, I remember. The time is literally measured from the last time I thought about it to this time I am thinking about it. Can I even call that progress? Does the time in between count for anything when you come back to the same thoughts? I guess I will become stronger when I have truly forgotten it for good. The sad part is that I won’t know because it is gone. I’m tired.
Rootless behavior: a thing I should engage in more often. Is being safe impairing my writing skills? What if I was rootless? What if I got enough nerve to share the things that I normally wouldn’t dare to share? Events happen for growth and insight. I was given a voice to be heard. I am stunting myself. I have things to say. Why am I scared? I claim that I am more comfortable being vulnerable than I was before. Am I lying to myself? What is really stopping me?
And the day goes by slowly, but not dreadfully. Most people believe that time passes faster whenever their load is larger, but that isn’t the case for me recently. I say that, yet when I look back at the calendar I get confused at the increase of numbers. So in conclusion: how come everything seems so slow and is moving way too fast?
It’s easy to stop feeling like yourself when you stop doing the things that you love. When you stop paying attention to yourself and what makes you happiest, why are you surprised when discomfort is not temporary? You say you are busy, but you are tired. Maybe getting back into a routine would not just energize your passions but also motivate you in other areas of your life. Care enough to focus on the parts of you that make you the person that you are. If you don’t, you lose yourself.
Feelings are such blessings. You may be going through some sort of sadness or madness, and that is normal. Accept the state you are in. Seek understanding in what you would normally consider to be your negative emotions. Positive emotions would lack value without the occasional run-in with an imperfect one. We are accustomed to the known and cannot fully grasp goodness without experiencing hurt and suffering to some extent. I am lucky to have felt so many emotions to an extreme. I thank God that He has allowed me to recognize the depths of each one and not ignore them. I know that I cannot rely on my feelings alone, because they are fleeting and constantly changing. I am equipped to handle situations through the wisdom and understanding that He places in me. I can process emotions but not be guided by them and that is crucial. I can listen to my heart but respond with knowledge from the Holy Spirit. Because of this, I have strength even in my weakness.
The first day of anything is both exciting and awkward. Not so happy about the whole 7am waking up thing, but maybe that part will stop sucking as much as time progresses. Also, I may or may not have showed up to my 8AM class at 8:30 today- might have gotten my days a little confused….But on the brighter and less humiliating side, everything is coming together swimmingly and I am feeling extremely motivated in my personal writing. My teachers seem great so far and I have a feeling this is going to be a great year.